As always, I hope that I can give each and every one of you a bit of, not just my story, but the inspiration to keep on keeping on.
Today, for the first time in a while, I have been relatively stable, mentally. No over the edge mood swings like I have been experiencing. My depression, hypomania and anxiety are at a manageable level. So I can say, without bragging, that I am relatively happy with myself. Especially after all the mood swings and intrusive thoughts I've been experiencing. Shucks, I felt for sure I was setting myself up for a trip to inpatient therapy.
Inpatient therapy...I am not against it by all means. I am very open to it if the need should arise. The reason I thought it was my destiny, as I said before, was the the extreme fluxuation of my moods. But, after chatting with a friend and remembering what I was told at my counseling appointment this Monday last, this could be something easily taken care of at my psych session tomorrow (Friday 13th), with an adjustment to my mood stabilizers. And I shall say, I hope that is the case. For one the BH Center I use, inpatient is only used as a last resort. More will revealed later.
Like I stated my mood and other mental health issues have be fairly stable today. I owe that not only to the meds I take note: I now take 75mg/day of Lamotrigine), but also another factor, the following prayer:
For personal reasons, lately I have not had a real prayer life. Plus, if will note, that I crossed out G-d and substituted with 'Higher Power'. Why, you may ask. The answer is both simple and complicated.
Many factors led me to practically losing my faith. To be blunt, I was angery/bitter at G-d, and blamed him for many things that I have endured over my life. Just to name a few things, 1. I was forced by my mother to attend Sunday services every week 2. my sexuality 3. the mental illnesses I have endured most of my life 4. the death of my father.
All those things contributed to not only a loss of faith, but no real prayer life. But that, was destined to change this morning.
I awoke as usual to get ready for work. I felt really good about myself and my surroundings. Then, as fate would have it, I had to go to work, which usually led to high anxiety once I hit door. But, today things were different. As soon as I entered the door at work, and several time through the day, I said that prayer using 'Higher Power' instead of G-d. Then as I went along with my day, it felt like a burden had been lifted. Not really much anxiety to speak of, and no dramatic mood swings.
Sure, it is going to be a long haul for me, not only in my mental health journey, but also to regain a confidence in the person many call G-d. Now I can't say that I don't believe he doesn't exist, but for now I shall call him my Higher Power.
Many issues will have to be resolved in my life through counseling & taking my meds as prescribed. Yes, there will still be good days and bad, but I believe things will eventually work out where I can once more regain a sense of sanity.
I'm aware that I probably could have eplained things a bit more clearly, but I hope I have given each of you something to cling to in your mental health journey. And I ask that you please keep on keeping on. For, There Is Hope.
Till next time,
I bid you all strength for your journey.
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